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BRRRRRAAAAAINSSSS (AKA – THAT MUSHY GOOEY STUFF INSIDE OUR SKULLS THAT ZOMBIES CRAVE ALMOST AS MUCH AS I CRAVE MARLBOROS & RUM…)

October 28, 2011

The following story isn’t my typical blog that you’re used to reading here, to say the least.  Recently, I was asked by Mr. Dane Hicks, the Editor In Chief of The Anderson County Review right here in lovely, scenic Garnett, Kansas, to write a how-to survival guide for the Halloween edition of the Review to help the citizens of our lovely town defend, survive, and get to safety in the event of an inevitable zombie outbreak here.  It was met with such positive feedback here in town that I wanted to share it with the rest of the world wide web, so for the benefit of the guide, please be ready to pretend you all live right here with me.  Since most of you know I can be a little long-winded at times and for print some cuts must unfortunately be made to make room for other stories, I now present to you my How To Survive A Zombie Outbreak guide in its uncut entirety right here, thanks to the one and only Mr. Frights:

    As a nation, we Americans have so much going on around us these days just within our country’s borders alone to make even the sanest person snap.  I shudder to even touch on everything from the constant threat of terrorism on our own soil to homelessness and starvation, unemployment, our government running things into the ground overspending, overtaxing, over-lying, while we work for lower wages than we’ve had in the last decade while simultaneously the cost of everything from fuel to property taxes to a gallon of milk keeps skyrocketing exponentially.  They say things always get worse before they get better, but seriously…how long does it take??

    But what if suddenly all of that didn’t matter anymore?  What if suddenly the proverbial hellhound was outside YOUR door?  Or even worse, trying to break your door down?  I’m not talking about trying to steal your money, possessions, food, or even your soul.  I’m talking about a ravenous horde busting through doors, windows, any open space, with but one intention and one intention only – to tear you to pieces and dine on your brain like it was an espresso-crusted steak from Outback restaurant.  Would you fight to the death?  Would you die horribly, screaming like the red-shirted Ensign in every landing party on every episode of Star Trek?  Would you fight off the horde, eventually finding other survivors and collectively formulate a foolproof plan of survival and getting to safe ground?  I guess what I’m trying to ask you is this – when a zombie outbreak hits Garnett, will you be prepared??

    Your safety and survival – each and every one of you reading this – is of the utmost importance to me. I’m not one of those guys whose philosophy states that if you run slower than me or lag behind or even cause me to lag behind because of you, that I will push you down to give the zombies a meal while I get away.  Nope, no one gets left behind!  That’s why I’m here now – to help you get through this in one piece instead of becoming the latest entrée on an undead buffet line.

    For those of you not in the know, it’s time you got in the know and got there now.  This information is for you and it WILL save your life.  First up, movies.  Let’s break the stigma right now – no matter what The O’Reilly Factor has led you to believe in the past few years, horror movies are not mindless drivel.  I don’t know how many tight spots I’ve gotten out of in my life thanks to horror movies and TV shows; like knowing that demons hate salt, or that the only way to stop a vengeful ghost is to dig up the body and burn the bones.  What do you need to know to be more prepared for the inevitable?  First and foremost, you need training films.  From there will come arming yourself properly, forming proper escape routes, and knowing the best places to hide out in case you get temporarily trapped behind enemy lines.

    The first training film, of course, is the original Night of the Living Dead, the movie that started the whole zombie movie craze back in 1968.  Not only will it teach you proper defense, protection methods, and the best way to board up a house to keep them out should you get trapped, but you will also learn from the mistakes of the main characters – one alpha male with an ego and a shotgun can only lead to the downfall of your hideout and ultimately cost you your life.  To see how modern slackers can step up and become survivalist heroes when loved ones and an ex-girlfriend are in peril, they don’t come any better than Shaun of the Dead.  Those are two excellent places for you to start.

    But you should also not automatically assume that the zombies that overrun Garnett will be of the slow and lumbering variety.  This is real life, yo – they could be coming at you faster than a hungry werewolf following the scent of a wounded gypsy.  You’ve got to be more than ready for any scenario.  That’s where more modern takes on the critters come in handy, so I recommend the Dawn of the Dead remake, 28 Days Later, and especially Zombieland.  Those three above all others will make sure you stay on your toes when being chased at breakneck speed with teeth gnashing at the back of your head.

    As far as escaping goes, my best advice to you is to know your surroundings, stay as calm as possible, and just use your common sense.  If the horde is coming from the north, you head south as fast as possible.  If they’re coming from the east, go west.  Always go the opposite direction, not perpendicular, and never, never, NEVER go straight into an advancing army of zombies, no matter what.

    I realize that in any crisis situation your first instinct is to call 911.  Sorry to disappoint you, but the police force will be of no help to you in a situation like this.  If you can even get through to them at all (as the lines should either already be flooded with panicked calls, preventing you from getting through, or just plain dead) they already have their hands full with the advancing invasion if in fact they haven’t been overrun already.  Don’t rely on the boys in blue to automatically come to your rescue – if you have a chance to leave town, take it before the military shows up and quarantines everything, blocking every single road in and out of town with armed guards while they drop a bomb on the place and tell the national news that we had a major underground gas leak that became ignited and blew up the entire town.  Think they won’t do that to prevent an international incident that would cause a media frenzy?  Think again.  Waiting around for the knights in shining Kevlar to show up and save the day will only get you killed.

    If you become overrun and/or surrounded and there’s no way out other than hide or be eaten to avoid being mistaken for one of the zombies and shot by someone protecting their home, there are certain places in town that have excellent setups for maximum protection and fortification.  The Chinese restaurant, Kids’ Creations, and True Value all have simple, easy to barricade glass door entryways and all the materials and tools necessary to get that job done, plus all the tools in the world to use as weapons should you need them.  Well, the Chinese restaurant doesn’t have all those tools, but there is great food there to sustain you and replenish your energy to get back to your escaping when you see an opening.

    Places to avoid at all costs are ones with too many doors to properly secure, such as the courthouse; or ones with too much open and easy to break glass, such as Subway, Dairy Queen, or unfortunately even the Anderson County Review office.  If they can see you through all that glass, they can get to you.  Remember, they have more strength than the average human and but one driving goal – eat brains.  They don’t need bathroom breaks, they don’t sleep, they won’t listen to reason, they don’t take smoke breaks, they don’t get distracted and text their friends and if they can see you they won’t stop coming for you and will eventually get in.  When dealing with zombies, out of sight out of mind is always best.

    I will leave you now with a little tactical advice.  Head shots are always best.  That will kill them.  A double tap to the head is even better – take the time to make sure the job is done right the first time so the same one doesn’t sneak up and bite you later when you’re not looking.  But, for close-quarters combat where the chances for their blood to spray on you or into open eyes or mouth, I highly recommend quick three-round bursts to the knees or spine.  You won’t kill them, but you’ll slow them down enough to get away.  Baseball bats, cricket bats, banjos, and many more blunt instruments are all good weapons if you run out of bullets or don’t have access to a gun in the first place – any good hard bash to the head will slow them down if not kill them outright.  If you can use one without slicing off your own toes, but all means grab a sword and go wild on them – that works too.  Plus, decapitation can be fun.

DO NOT let them scratch, bite, or let them get any blood or saliva on you or in you.  Just a drop into an open scratch on your arm and you may as well use that last bullet on yourself.  If that happens, congratulations – you’ve just joined the ranks of the undead.  Zombies beget zombies who beget more and more zombies.  They can turn a town our size completely undead in a matter of a few hours if they’re not dealt with immediately.

This is just scratching the surface of the skin, so to speak, as far as rules and advice when it comes to dealing with zombies and actually making it out alive.  But, it’s a great start and I hope you’ve paid attention, taken good notes, and most importantly taken me seriously.  So you can scoff and mock all you want or poke fun at your sister in the cemetery and tell her, “They’re coming to get you, Barbara”, but we all know what happened to that guy.  The time has come to nut up or shut up, and I want you prepared.  Heed my advice, good citizens of Garnett – I’m trying to save your lives here.  We’re all in this together.

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